tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
