I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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