I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
