I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The air was thick with penises
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
