arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
