you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
