my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
