my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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