she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Your dad touched me again.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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