I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize