question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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