ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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