Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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