matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
