turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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