Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
