I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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