Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
