Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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