my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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