Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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