this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
