so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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