I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
