Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
