I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
