my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
