If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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