I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
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Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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