I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
