separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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