There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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