I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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