I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
