he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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