hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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