I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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