his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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