I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
