if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
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We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
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True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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