The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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