On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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