If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
