i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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