did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
