I think I won the penis lottery.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
