Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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