im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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