Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
