My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
