make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
