Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
