If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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