I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
