You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
